From Life's Window

Whispers of Grace
By Margo Balsis

“Dear God, please forgive me. Beauty, boyfriends, and basketball have been too important to me.” I chuckled in the quiet library when I read those words. They were mine—penned 36 years ago when I was a high school senior. Back then I was a Bible-toting non-dater with a high GPA. Few would have guessed my secret obsessions!

Thanks to decades of journaling, I’ve uncovered more than a few nuggets about how I have experienced God, myself, and others. A year ago I lugged boxes of my old journals out of storage, packed up the new laptop my husband had given me, and began frequent treks to the library. I’ve been reflecting on page after page of my life stories, some tear-stained, some with scribbles from the toddler on my lap, some with Starbucks tea spills.

Themes have emerged, inner voices which defined me at various seasons of my life. Too often throughout the decades I’ve listened to the clamor of “enough is never enough.”

• High School: Friends and family would describe me as hard-working and diligent. I woke early to herd the cows and help dad with chores, still allowing for a long quiet time before school. Yet journal entries record my laments that “God will not always put up with my wishy-washy undisciplined living.”

• Twenties: Bible college, a year-long mission experience, and Navigator training and assignments at four different campuses deepened my convictions. Too often, though, I journaled about feeling “too great a sense of responsibility. I feel my prayers, my counsel, and my presence alone is what will help people grow.”

• Thirties: I married Glenn when I was thirty, gave birth to Katy on my thirty-second birthday and to Kristen two years later. Journal entries became more sporadic as I juggled parenting and campus ministry. Kristen’s chronic illness meant frequent trips to the hospital as well, and my life often felt unmanageable. “I’m feeling overwhelmed today with everything I’m not doing,” I wrote.

• Forties: Adjusting to a major move, sinking into new ministry assignments, and learning to enjoy teen daughters launched me into deeper dependence on God. As the “have-to’s” were less defined for me, I often wondered, “Is this opportunity an open door You want me to walk through?”

Now in my fifties, I’m re-visiting past experiences with a new filter. I’m identifying how my perception of reality was sometimes clouded by voices from family patterns, my religious culture, and my own temperament bents. I’m learning to tune in to new voices, hearing God’s comforting whispers of grace.

If you, too, should someday have the privilege of reflecting on written memories of your journey, I can assure you: No matter how confusing or challenging your life at any particular time, there’s another page coming! Each day brings a fresh supply of His compassion and new evidences of His faithfulness. Henri Nouwen said it well: Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God.

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Margo Balsis still invests in Clinique beauty products, now loves only one boy (Glenn, her husband of 24 years), and is passionate about University of Illinois basketball. She and Glenn live in Colorado Springs, where they partner with the Collegiate Leadership Team to serve collegiate staff and students.