Origins of Second Half
by Nancy Parker Brummett
[This article originally appeared in LifeWise Magazine, August/September 2002, Volume 4, Number 4. The descriptions of the format, content and operation of Second Half Forums refelected our practice at the time of publication. Since then, we have instituted several changes in our programs. Please visit the rest of this Web site for current information.]
For the three founding couples of Second Half Ministries, Terry and Carol Taylor, Don and Elaine Lanier and Dave and Terri Legg, renewing their midlife marriages became more than a personal desire. Their determination to deliberately revitalize and refocus their marriages resulted in a ministry that has significantly changed the lives of hundreds of couples and will touch many more.
Being involved with a ministry was nothing new to these three couples who enjoyed a close friendship for 30 years when they were on staff with The Navigators. But launching a ministry born of their heartfelt needs and longings was.
Slowing down
"Carol and I realized four years ago that we had been going too fast for too long," says Terry, director of the new ministry, who served as U.S. president of The Navigators from 1984-1997. "We realized one day that we had devoted ourselves to the ministry God had given us and to our three daughters. But in the process we had lost significant intimacy in our marriage. Almost every time we communicated, it was about a third party, one of the kids or grandkids, or someone we knew."
At this point, Terry, 63, and Carol, 60, had been married for 37 years. They were active, involved parents and grandparents in the lives of their grown daughters and grandchildren (now they have seven). But they wanted to bring back the passion and renew the commitment in their relationship, and Terry wanted Carol to experience the sense of personal fulfillment he had enjoyed during his working career.
During a year's sabbatical after Terry left his Navigator role, the couple attended several seminars and classes. They sensed the Lord telling them to redirect their course. Through heartfelt conversations with their good friends, Terry and Carol discovered they weren't alone in their quest. They determined, as Terry states, that "first half strategies used in the second half of life are doomed for failure."
Seeing their need
As a result, the three couples launched Second Half Ministries. It includes a seminar designed to help participants deliberately review the past and refocus the future.
"Unless a person has the courage to take a time-out, the chances of repeating mistakes in the second half of life are very high, and the chances of finishing well are very poor," Terry says. "The time commitment is critical."
Held over two intense weekends a month apart, the forums are led by the three founding couples and a host couple, Bill and Julie Zimmer. Only 30 couples can attend at a time, and there is a facilitating couple for every five couples in attendance to make sure each couple gets adequate personal attention. So far, seminars have been held in nine cities, and the plan is to add three cities per year.
"We find that in the process of sharing our struggles, hurts and failures, others will open up and share, too," Carol says. "Issues of identity, intimacy and communication - all the issues in marriage neither partner has taken time to process and talk about - come out. Both partners can then share how they feel, not just think about the issues involved."
Knowing where you've been is an important step in figuring out where you want to go. The first weekend, Forum I, helps each partner in the marriage go through a series of carefully selected assessments leading to a clearer picture of each person. The questions include: Who am I as a person? Whom did God design me to be? Who is my spouse, and what are the implications for us in light of that?
Equipped with personal profiles, the couple then spends the next month praying and thinking about all the facets of their individual personalities, the implications for their marriage and what God would have them do in the future.
Coming together again
"When Carol and I got to this point on our journey," Terry says, "we knew that whatever we did in the next 10 years, we wanted to do it together. In many ways Carol was doing well and doing her own thing, and I was doing well and doing my thing, but we were both very lonely. It's hard to imagine you can feel lonely in a marriage, but you can."
First a couple must feel secure in who they are as individuals and understand their spiritual gifts, natural abilities, personal values and individual preferences and desires. Then they are ready for Forum II. This time the emphasis is on identifying how the couple can best contribute to God's kingdom and defining their contribution in terms of circle of influence and life mission. The result is a personal profile for the husband and wife together.
"Living passionately for today and purposefully for tomorrow" is one of Terry's favorite quotes from Bob Buford, author of the book Halftime. It summarizes what those involved in Second Half Ministries pray will be the end result for seminar couples. Forum II helps them develop a purpose for tomorrow together, not separately.
"When couples enter the second half of their marriages without a clear sense of purpose," Carol says, "they may think about the future, but they haven't talked about it or processed it together. Neither knows what the other thinks and feels. They've figured out how to stay together, but it's pretty boring."
In contrast, couples who complete Forum II take with them a development plan that highlights those areas they can work on over the next year or so. The goal is to honor their differences and unique designs so they can complement one another and be more confident as individuals and as a couple.
Sharing a purpose
"What we all want is to be able to stand before the Lord one day and hear Him say, 'Well done, good and faithful servant,'" Terry explains. "A couple with a shared purpose wants to make sure each partner has a chance to hear those words. That's why we encourage couples to support one another by deferring to one another and learning to appreciate one another's uniqueness in God's eyes."
For example, Terry and Carol had to focus on a new partnership and purpose when they ordered business cards for the ministry. Terry asked Carol if he should put "Former U.S. President of The Navigators" or "Dr. Terry Taylor." Carol responded, "How about just Terry and Carol Taylor?"
Once a couple attends both forums, the ministry team is committed to any follow-up meetings or conversations they need to have, for as long as they need to have them.
"That's why we provide such a limited number of seminars," Terry states. "We are absolutely committed to helping every couple who attends by being available to them. We aren't in the seminar business; we're in the life-changing business."
Seeing exciting changes
How has this midlife review and refocus affected Terry and Carol's marriage? "I'd say that today we have a new devotion, appreciation and love for one another," Terry says. "We have a longing to honor one another and defer to one another, and a desire to see that we both finish well. We care what the other thinks and feels about issues, people and events. We often take time out to be together, to actually enjoy each other. Even our kids notice a big difference."
"Most people will make their greatest contribution in the second half of life," Terry says. "Remember, your whole life may be leading to 'such a time as this' (Esther 4:14)."
