Having Soul Friendship and Community

By Andy Farina

I have been asking myself a lot lately, "What is true spiritual friendship and community?" "How is it developed?"

Growing up Italian in New York, and being from a divorced home, I learned early how to try to "make life work on my own." I have come to realize that this is not God's way, and it was a lonely way to live.

God reveals Himself equally as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He is also fully known and always relating within this Trinity. He always has and always will! He is a relational God, and we are made in His image. Thus, soul relationship for you and me starts with knowing and being known.

Since God expresses Himself through the Trinity, it also makes sense that true spiritual friendship and community develop by relating in a way like the Trinity relates. One aspect of this is that God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are completely "known" by one another. In like manner, I realized that a key part of having soul friendships and community comes from being truly known by others. Consider my friendship with Pete. Our soul friendship and community are making quite an impact in our journey toward God and among our friends.

What are several core needs that help this kind of godly, soul friendship and community to emerge? Here are a few that have helped me.

Be available

Pete and I have connected during lunch every Thursday for the last two years. As a university professor who is several years younger than me, Pete and I are opposites in terms of how we grew up and often how we approach things. We are peer friends who share a common bond in Christ and who enjoy one another. And, we are both athletic too. We are committed to being there for one another.

Knowing and being known takes time, and the time together helps build trust. As you think about being available for soul friendships, carve enough time out of your schedule to just be together. It may be more of a challenge now that you are out of school and working. I have a great wife, five kids, work responsibilities, and lots of friends and acquaintances. To be with people, I have to trust God with my work and time demands. Some days I need to work longer hours. Other days I may be choosing to work long hours because I am fearful, too self-sufficient, perfectionistic, or compulsive. Such a mindset fosters self-obsession and does not glorify God. In the end I am also robbing myself of the very things I want!

To be available, maybe God wants you to live near that one particular friend or mentor. Or carve out time to be with God-inspiring people.

There is proximity

Pete lives one mile from my house, has become friends with my family, and even hires my kids to do work for him around the house. Even though there may be a few times we may not want to get together for lunch, neither of us would trade these times together! We are committed to each other. We share thoughts and ideas and dreams and observations. We take steps of action to help each other in numerous ways. My friendship with Pete is a good taste of community and it definitely inspires me toward God.

Proximity has helped cultivate an environment that allows Pete to ask me sincere questions about my personal life. He listens well. Both of these communicate that he cares. He wants to ask me questions simply to know me and journey with me through life as we walk with Christ. He knows that many people often want things from me, but that is not his motive. Pete comes to our time together without an obvious agenda to change me or fix me. I offer him these same things. I realize that my friendship with Pete also helps meet his needs as someone who likes frequent contact with close friends.

In your life, how can you take steps of faith to be around the people who you enjoy and who inspire you toward God and His "doings" in the world today? That may mean moving into an apartment or house closer to these folks. It may mean joining a gym, book club, service group, or possibly a post-college Christian professionals group to be around more potential friends. It may mean a regular lunch together.

Be transparent and vulnerable with trusted friends

One element of a soul friendship is truly being known by one another. Pete and I trust each other and know one another's thoughts, crazy emotions, "tough stuff," and things we may not want anyone else to know about us. We are vulnerable and we are moving toward "no secrets." For in a "grace" environment of being known like that, there is an incredible safety and support in our journey with Christ that actually fuels our growth process. This is a big part of the spiritually alive communities, which God intends for us to enjoy and thrive in.

More than anything, this kind of soul friendship and community ignites my yearning for God! It causes me to want God more than anything else. It matures and stretches and chisels and bolsters and affirms the Holy Spirit’s work in me. It fuels me to carry out my God-given mission, to give and serve others with more of the right stuff. It also reflects how God relates within the Trinity, which is one crucial aspect of revealing Him and our Savior Jesus Christ.

Most importantly, it will take brokenness

Nothing changes us more deeply than to look "bad" in the presence of intense love. Yet at the same time, this points us to the magnificent grace of God. When we stand exposed in our sin and revealed secrets before the intense love of God, we see how far short we fall of His Majesty and perfect holiness. This was Peter’s experience in Luke 5:8 when he said, "Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!" In the same way, the Holy Spirit can bring us to brokenness when we realize how much of a sinner we truly are.

Brokenness is personal surrender to God. It is like a fugitive "coming out with your hands up." Brokenness is when I am more aware of God's pain over my life and defiance, than my own pain. Brokenness is when I cry out for "mercy" over my rebellion, more than demanding that He change my undesirable circumstances. Brokenness is the start of the process of spiritual transformation and is key in forming true Christ-centered soul community.

As you consider these things, where are you right now? Do you feel alone, without true soul friends or community? Are you among superficial or unspiritual acquaintances where you remain tragically unknown? Sometimes there is such dynamic fellowship and community in college with our Navigator friends, that once we are out of college, we deeply miss it. We crave the focus and passion about Jesus and long for even more in the next season of life.

God still has much for you, including deeper soul friendships and community. Pray and seek the Lord for His real deal—at least one "Pete," one friend, and hopefully more in time, with whom you can journey together toward God with increasing levels of trust and vulnerability. Are you willing to go after this treasure? Are you willing to jump off your "cliff of safety" and share the depths of your soul with someone you trust? Are you willing to reach out to another in the midst of the messiness of life, just to journey alongside?

Take another close and radical look at how and why Jesus related to the Father, the Spirit, and to others. Through these, God can bring true brokenness into your life and advance personal and corporate transformation. Do not settle and live a life that is not really life—functioning but not truly alive. Being known by God and among trusted friends is a treasure indeed. Being known like that helps us delight in God as our first thing, living more fully in His kingdom and for His beautiful purposes in the world.

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Andy Farina is Navigator staff serving with b2g (better2gether – a ministry for twenty-somethings).